Liberated or Oppressed? Sex in Every City

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I watched a video yesterday about how women are portrayed in the media. You can watch it here.

It was pretty shocking to see all those images linked together. Some of the images looked familiar and when you see them individually you can almost miss how overtly sexually and explicit they are. As my roommate and I were discussing, it’s so present in our culture and the media has such a huge influence, it seems almost impossible that we wouldn’t be effected at all.

As I begin to see myself more as a feminist, I’ve started to notice that some of my actions and interests don’t necessarily align with my beliefs. Growing up going to sexually oppressive Catholic schools did not prepare me to transition from being a sexually ignorant teenager to a sexually explorative adult. Until college I had no experience dating and had only had one or two encounters with the opposite sex. Going to an all girl Catholic high school can have that effect on one’s experiences.

We were taught abstinence and I was certain I would be a virgin until I was married. One year away from religion class and I couldn’t wait to lose my v-card. That’s not entirely true. I met someone I cared about and had my first relationship, but when it slowly collapsed afterwards I felt like I’d wasted it. I was taught for 14 years that I should wait to be married and then in a rush of passion it was gone and I wouldn’t be able to get it back. Suddenly, it didn’t seem so special anymore. Once ‘it’ was gone, it seemed silly to have made it such a big deal and I embraced the hook-up culture of college with extra exuberance.

It’s no surprise that once young people move away for college they start to experiment, but if they are getting their dating advice from Sex in the City and every ad they see oversexualizes women, it is also not surprising that women are ending up in many negative situations. Date rape, sexual harassment (both verbal and physical), sexually unsatisfying relationships, and of course a wardrobe that my godmother would say came from a ‘half off sale’…if you catch my drift.

Sex and the City taught a generation that talking about sex was not actually a bad thing, but where are the boundaries? As a feminist embracing your sexuality is one thing, but where should the line be drawn? How much is too much?

So, are we liberated because we can talk openly about sex or are we oppressed because the media oversexualizes women?

We want to be able to have control over our sexuality, but when the media defines how we view our sexuality, that’s when we lose control. It’s almost impossible to disassociate from the images that bombard us every day, but as long as we are able to look at them and understand what we are really seeing, then I think we can overcome the messages they are sending.

How to Date a Feminist

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The other day I found out one of my male friends thought I was a lesbian. He said he had read my blog and assumed that since I was a feminist I was also a lesbian. At first I thought he was joking and then I realized how unaware the majority of the population is when it comes to feminism and women’s rights, myself included at times.

I was pretty angry with my friend. For one, he clearly did not read my blog thoroughly seeing as he missed all the posts about my trouble dating…men. Then, I was also disappointed that men in my generation were still so uneducated and happy to live in ignorance when it comes to feminism.

Being a feminist does not equate to being a lesbian and being a lesbian does not mean you are a feminist. I believe that the relation of feminism to being a lesbian comes from the wrong belief that feminists hate men and that lesbians hate men, neither of these stereotypes is true (although I’m sure some do).

Having this conversation made me more aware of the stereotypes I assumed could not possibly still be held by people in our generation. I thought people were more aware and educated. This is not the 1950s! Most women are feminists without even realizing it. How is it that men in their 20s have not yet met a feminist? Why aren’t these conversations happening?

I know a lot of men who are constantly looking for the most beautiful woman to fuck. The minute things get serious and flaws are noticed, men are eager to move on to the next best thing. I’ve used this reference before, but my hairdresser told me about an eligible bachelor in New York who said that smart, beautiful, funny women were a dime a dozen and he could easily replace one for another. It’s true to an extent. More and more women have it all.

So, where are the men that can meet these heights?

Maybe my writing does make me seem like a man-hater, but I want someone who is on my intellectual level. I’ve heard feminists say that perhaps we should prepare for women being the bread-winners and that perhaps we won’t be able to find men on our intellectual levels…that we should be looking for an emotional connection, not unlike the role women once played for men in relationships. I don’t think I’m prepared to accept this quite yet. I don’t believe men should be allowed to continue to regress as women rise in society. I want someone who I can have a conversation with that extends beyond superficial topics.

I may not be dating anyone now (and not for a long time) and so maybe that lends to me coming off as a lesbian, but I’d rather be seen as a lesbian than be in a relationship with any of the men I have dated recently. I think it’s about time men stopped fucking around and started to be the people modern/intelligent women want to date.

Prince Charming will not be coming

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We are taught from a young age that Prince Charming will come and save us from our misery. Whether that misery is cleaning and being tortured by our evil step-mother, being enchanted to sleep until he kisses us, or being a silly mermaid who can’t walk on land. Disney indoctrinates women in to a world of waiting with a sense of being un-fulfilled. Everything ends when the prince and princess get together and live happily ever after…

Growing up, I didn’t see what a normal relationship looked like. Having a father who preferred alcohol to family, prevented me from seeing what happens in the ‘ever after’ part of my parents marriage. I saw it crumble slowly over the years. I remember growing up with a sense that we were all waiting for something to happen. Eventually, that something was my parent’s divorce, but even then I often felt incomplete, anxious, and stressed about something I could not quite put my finger on.

I had my first crush when I was three. Yes, three. I remember thinking one of the construction workers on our house seemed nice. So, I set up all my toy horses where he would walk by and waited for him to pass and play with me. He did not give my ponies a second glance.

I had many crushes throughout grade school.

Sometimes it was cute. I married my best guy friend when I was seven, but we divorced by 9.

Sometimes it was creepy. I kept everything one crush in third grade touched. Including his old book-cover and a piece of spider-web from a Halloween party. Let’s all pretend that is not the making of a psycho and pretend that it is cute for an 8 year old to be spending that much time pining over a boy.

Then, I grew up a little and suddenly men reciprocated the interest. I was so glad they had finally caught up to me. When I didn’t sleep with them right away after returning the attention they gave me, I soon found they did not stay around long. I also found that the alternate approach did not keep them around either.

I don’t know if I would blame them though. I tend to repeat the same pattern over and over. I meet someone and I am attracted to them. They become interested in me and I am less interested in them. They sense my dis-interest and back away. I change my mind and want them.

I think I’ve been waiting a long time for someone to fill the void I had as an anxious child. It sounds so cliche to say, but I’ve been wanting to have that closeness to a man that I didn’t have from my father. Where is the Prince Charming who is supposed to make all the bad things in my life become insignificant when we kiss? I have realized that he isn’t coming. In fact, the best way to find a partner is to be fulfilled on your own and have them come in as an added bonus. I’ve tried to live by that ideology, but when it comes to romantic emotions I often resort back to age three. I set-up all my ponies and wait for my new interest to come and play, but all the ponies are already set-up, so where’s the fun in that?

I grew-up not seeing healthy romantic relationships. I knew that my dad was an angry person and that this was bad. I knew he was mean to my mother and would often make us all cry. He had a way of always saying the most hurtful thing, which is how he always won the arguments. Many people grow up in this environment or worse. I had the added bonus that I often didn’t see other couples interacting. The area we lived in didn’t have many families and people came to my house to play or my friends came from single parent homes. I felt uncomfortable around men for years because I was used to my father screaming and being unpredictable, I had no idea if this was how other men would be. Eventually, I grew-up and realized this was semi-unique to my family. All of my understanding of relationships came from TV and movies. Today, I barely watch either because I often find them overwhelming with cliches and anti-feminist messages, but also because most shows and movies are just crap anyway.

I started meeting guys in high school, but I didn’t know how to interact with them and while I am an intelligent and friendly person, I feel like there was something fundamental missing from my abilities to interact with the men/boys I was meeting.

To this day, I have a certain level of insecurity that I carry with me until I feel ‘safe’ with the other person. It’s an embedded fear that at any moment it could all go terribly wrong without any warning, just like my father and his unpredictable outbursts. It never took much to set him off.

I’m so tired of having the same experience with guys I meet over and over. I’ve done all the things you should do when you realize something like this about yourself. The only thing I haven’t done is write it all out, so maybe now I can try again.

At the Start

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This week I had my first full week at my new job and my research position. These jobs are my 27th and 28th. I always feel the same way when I first start working, overwhelmed. There are so many names, systems, protocol, and even people’s sense of humor are different and need to be adapted to. The other thing I always feel at the start is excitement. The possibilities!!!

As a 20 something working many different jobs in NYC you had to have a certain level of confidence, even a bit of over-confidence. You need to sell yourself to beat out 100s of others looking for their Manhattan dream job. So, this time as I start my new jobs I am trying to be more humble. I already sold myself and got hires, so now I think it’s important to be more timid in a way and open to learning.

It’s easy to get frustrated when people assume you don’t know something even though you’ve done that exact task thousands of times, but they usually don’t realize that and besides reviews are always helpful. You might also feel that your job isn’t the best and so it’s hard to spend so much of your life committed to it.

I’m also extremely shy when I start a new job. You are taken around and meet lots of people and then that’s it. You don’t speak to them again. Eventually, you’ve seen them around enough that it would just be awkward to initiate conversation at last. I’ve decided to try to not let that happen again. There are so many interesting and talented people in the offices I work and have worked at, it’s a shame to let all those potential contacts pass by.

Today, I met an excellent example of a person I probably would not have made an effort with. He took me around to meet the people who run the services he oversees. This was my third day and I’m already behind and the last thing I wanted was a new list of faces and names I will never remember. Instead of dwelling on this, I reserved myself to the fact that I might not get the work done today. I just threw myself in to it. I asked all kinds of questions, usually I think my questions will just be petty or annoying, but instead they kept me engaged and before I knew it an hour and a half went by.

I didn’t get any work done, but my co-worker who took me around was a wealth of knowledge and an interesting person beyond his role. It’s interesting how when we shut down the nagging voice in the back of our heads, how much more present we become.

When you are fully present then no matter what your job is, it is easier to see its importance and really do it well. You don’t even need to love your job in order to do this, in fact it could help you start to love it.

The possibilities of a clear mind. And all at the start!

My Biggest Regret is Not Regretting Enough

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People that say they never regret anything are probably lying. No one lives out their lives and is perfect every second of every hour of every day. I was talking to a friend about my X when she reminded me of a conversation we had while I was dating him. I felt mortified. I couldn’t believe I had said those things and acted that way. And while I have changed, the tendencies I have to react the way I would have three years ago remain on some level.

‘They’ say that you shouldn’t regret something because you’ve learned from it, that’s fine. I did learn from my experience dating X and I learn from other mistakes I’ve made, but I’m arguing that we should regret it. If you don’t regret it, how can you change? It’s as if we want to alleviate ourselves from any disturbing emotion. I think that experiencing regret is instrumental in creating the necessary change we need to make as individuals in order to continue to grow.

We don’t want to regret because we don’t want to feel bad that part of our lives were lived wrong or were bad. There are definitely parts of my life that I think I could have lived better and I regret them, but I don’t feel bad about them anymore because I grew and learned from them. I can still say I regret them.

People who have been through traumatic or upsetting experiences seem to rely on this notion that they shouldn’t regret and have to move forward. I think you can do both, and should. If you were a delinquent teenager, abused animals as a child, or cheated on your partner…sure, you should regret that.

Our experiences make us who we are and so even the awful things I’ve done in my life like when I gave a classmate in grade school tictacs for Christmas, or when I went to the DU anything for money party, or when I spent four years of college not fully applying myself. Should I look back on these experiences and pat myself on the back for outgrowing those characteristics? I would argue no. I think they are regrettable and knowing they are makes me aware … and being aware makes it more likely that I will not repeat them, hopefully.

I started thinking about this over the weekend when I was procrastinating instead of working and watching The Biggest Loser, the Australian version. The challenge was for them to abseil down a Sydney skyscraper. One person said, ‘I’m going to do it because I know if I don’t I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.” All I could think was, um probably not. I mean it’s an exciting way to challenge yourself, but chances are you would probably go on with life pretty content and never even think about it again.

Maybe that regret is a ‘good’ kind. If you regret not challenging yourself that’s good right? You will push yourself harder next time. So maybe by not going, the regret might have pushed this woman to work more on her physical well-being as opposed to her risk-taking skills.

In the West we want to deny any bad feelings we get, but when you look at Eastern cultures they usually embrace the idea of acknowledging and releasing.

You don’t have to live your life full of regret, but you should regret the things you’ve done that are wrong, and should not regret the things you did not do because you were not yet ready. I have bowed out of many experiences I was not not prepared for. I felt awesome after. Empowered even.

I don’t feel any regret at the moment, but I’m sure I will again and I think I’ll be better off and will grow more than if I was denying those feelings.

Let’s Talk About Sex

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When I heard about a ‘conference’ entitled “All About Women” taking place at the Sydney Opera House, I knew I had to go. Not only would I find great topics for my blogs, but I’d also enhance my winter break reading list….both of these things did occur, it was amazing! There were women from all parts of the world talking about different themes and ideas involving feminism. And for all of you out there who are still too caught up with any negative connotations the ‘f-word’ (feminism) has, I am here to tell you that the audience I saw was quite diverse, the old stereotypes of feminists is quickly unraveling. Feminism shouldn’t be scary to us anymore. It no longer is just a stereotyped hippy, braless, man-hating woman, but it is each and every woman who is not willing to sit back and let sexism exist in today’s society where women are just as involved and educated as men.

The ideas and dialogues I encountered today would probably take me months to write about, but what stood out most for me was the discussion on rape culture. It’s a topic, not unlike feminism, that is met with resistance, ignorance, and fear.

Rape culture is about society being complacent with violence against women, focusing on the blame the victim mentality. One of the panelists talked about how women are taught they need to protect their sexuality, where as men are taught that they are animalistic in nature and that it’s harder for them to control their urges. This reminded me of a blog I wrote a couple of months ago, where I talked about how females are never told to masturbate, but it is perfectly acceptable and expected for boys to start at age 12 or even younger. That is one example of the different ways, starting at a young age, that we are forced in to a belief system that removes women from having control of their sexuality.

When discussing the Steubenville rape, the moderator brought up a blog another woman wrote about how there should be a ‘drunken whore registry’ to protect innocent young men from women who will ruin their lives….I’m sorry, if you think it’s ok to have sex with an unconscious person, than I think your life was bound to be pretty shitty anyway. It sounds to me like you are an idiot with no moral code and a deranged view of sex. Personally, when I have sex, I like the other person to be engaged in the process and not an inanimate spectator. If I didn’t want them to be awake and enjoying it with me, I would just as well masturbate instead. Drunken whore registry…a term coined by a woman…another topic of the evening. Here we are, women struggling to have our voices heard in a male dominated culture, and women are hating on women. But that’s another blog.

They also discussed that fact that we are taught to say ‘No,’ but not how or when. They used the example of how right before it is about to happen when you are face to face, may be an awkward time to bring this up, which leads to the idea that communication of wants is extremely important, but that as a society we are not taught about how to have this conversation. The just say no tactic can be ambiguous. There you are dancing with a sexy guy at your favorite club. You kiss on the dance floor. You decide to go back to either of your apartments together. Maybe you just wanted to makeout, but he is thinking ‘SEX!’ So, you get to wherever you are going and then you have to have that discussion, I know how that conversation goes. I have enough female friends to know that it usually ends up with them having sex with the guy, even if they weren’t too interested in doing it. The assumption is that they got to that point, so they must proceed as expected. We feel these social obligations within the hookup culture. We make excuses: well I was flirting with him, we kissed, he’s cute, I haven’t had sex in 6 months anyway. We excuse-away the fact that we didn’t really want to have sex, but we did bring him home, so we have certain responsibilities..right? Wrong.

I am that girl. I bring guys home, I go home with them (usually only with friends in tow) and then I say ‘no.’ Because I never told them I would sleep with them and they should not assume that a kiss and a drink at their place entails them to having an intimate moment with me. I say no and usually I never hear from them again. That’s fine with me, in fact, it is a great tool for weeding out undesirable men. However, I think the bigger issue is this dialogue that needs to be happening with men and women when it comes to sex.

These ‘hook-up assumptions’ are created by our inability to talk. Instead we follow this imaginary code or responsibilities and IOUs. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be honest about what we wanted? It’s ok, I think, to have sex with as many or as few people you like. As long as you are sleeping with them because you want to and are enjoying it. My biggest problem when I meet a guy is in fact my anxiety around knowing that they think that A=B and so now I’ll fuck them. For me, that takes all the joy out of sex. I heard a woman quote a rape victim who didn’t directly say ‘no’ but was forced in to having sex with 8 rugby players from the Cronolla Sharks, while other teammates and management watched and masturbated. I looked up the victim’s quote to site it here: “They never spoke to me, they spoke just to themselves, amongst themselves, laughing and thinking it was really funny. When you have sex with someone, it’s nice and you talk and you touch and this was awful. This was nothing like that.” I think this quote, while directly talking about a traumatic experience, does touch on what I have always thought, but never verbalized properly. Sex is about having fun with the other person, talking, and enjoying the experience together.

I have been thinking that maybe there is something wrong with my sex-life or me specifically, but I think it was the expectations of others I was trying to appease and less about what I want. I wouldn’t ever refuse someone for a power trip or to string them along and play games, but I do want to be able to decide when it happens. I’m not going to have sex because it’s been three dates, I took someone home, someone bought me something, or any of the other reasons you might list. I’m going to have sex because I want to and I think I’ll enjoy it. I’m sure this is the case for many women, but I know it’s not the case for everyone.

I like the idea that we can be open about sex and talk about it, but I don’t like that it is becoming something that just needs to happen or is expected at a certain time. Casual sex is fine, but it needs to be worth it and enjoyable for both parties. No one owes anyone anything and if you can’t have a conversation about sex, than you shouldn’t be having sex with the other person to start with.

Does liking rap make me a bad feminist?

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I have been delving deeper into my inner-feminist lately. My life has been going smoothly, so I guess I’ve decided I need something to consume all my excess energy and gender inequality seems like a fairly important cause.

I finally realized how awesome Pandora is for listening to music. Seriously, why am I so slow to realize these things? I picked some random high energy workout station to help me enjoy my brisk 30 minute walks to and from university. It was very high energy, as it had promised, and also very nostalgic, because I soon realized I knew every single song that came on. And they were almost 99% rap/hip-hop songs.

I love these songs because the lyrics are usually simple (pop-hip-hop?) and the beat is easy to dance to (white-girl moves). I remember in college my roommate/best friend found it amusing that I would sing along to these songs before we went out and would only know the curse words. In my defense, they are usually the clearest part of the song and also, they give you an excuse to shout profanities. You can meditate…or you can sing along to rap songs, both are great ways of releasing stress and anger, but I digress.

Listening to these songs today, as I strolled down memory lane to my university, I realized these songs might be making me a hypocrite.

For example, a college favorite of mine was Petey Pablo’s ‘Freak-a-leak’ with lyrics like:

I need a girl I can freak with, (freak wit)
and wanna try shit (try shit) and ain’t scared of a big dick (of a big dick)
And love to get her pussy licked,
by another bitch, cuz I ain’t drunk enough ta do dat.

Not only is he saying he needs a girl just for sex, but he also wants her to perform lesbian acts for his benefit because he doesn’t really care if she enjoys their time together and can’t be bothered to do anything for her himself. So, a prostitute? What a winner ladies! Later on in the song he does ask how she would like it, but even then it sounds a lot more like the way men like to give it and far less how most women want to receive it….personally I don’t want my toes crammed on the headboard over my head, that sounds painful.

How about the Ying Yang Twins ‘Whisper Song?’ With a chorus that really shows how valuable these men view women:

Hey bitch, wait til’ you see my dick
Wait til’ you see my dick
Hey bitch, wait til’ you see my dick
I’m a beat that pussy up

Hey bitch? The hands-down last phrase I would ever want to hear before having sex with someone. And then of course getting my pussy beat with a dick seems to only slightly perpetuate rape culture, and by slightly I mean, how are lyrics like this legal?!

So, I was glad to find out just now that it seems like my current dance/party playlist is much more PC…or at least slightly more feminist in nature…aka the songs don’t really involve women’s pussys’ getting beat. That is unless you consider Rihanna and Eminem’s ‘Love the Way You Lie.’ In which Eminem sings about tying Rihanna to the bed and setting the house on fire, but in that song the gender hatred seems mutual and if you know anything about pop-culture then you know that both Rihanna and Eminem are insane.

I may not have anti-feminist music on my iPod currently, but when 50 Cent’s ‘Candy Shop’ comes on, I am the first to sing along. All of those songs remind me of college, for better or worse, so how do I deal with the fact that these songs that I once enjoyed, however naively, are now the anthesis of who I am. I have to say that I still like the music, even if the lyrics make my skin crawl. I also don’t want to necessarily be the person who denounces everything that is not PC. I think any kind of extreme is bad, but I also wonder if people have listened to these songs and if the negative messages about females and their roles in sex have been defined for some people by these songs?

I remember in college thinking the lyrics were absurd and funny to sing along with. I didn’t want my pussy beat then either. But what happens when people who weren’t raised in a loving family, or in a family where sex is discussed, or where anything is discussed really…what happens when they hear these lyrics? For me, I knew these lyrics were not reality. For someone who doesn’t know another reality, this could be the beginning of their unrealistic sexual fantasies and mysogynistic behavior.

So, what happens now? Only well-balanced people can listen to dirty rap music? I guess the ultimate solution is that it needs to go. When I hear new songs that treat women badly, I usually hate them now, but the songs I liked in college still seem innocent even though I know they are not. Like all things, we can justify whatever we want to ourselves and make it okay. I don’t like anti-feminist songs now, therefore, I can still sing along to the old ones I liked before I realized how anti-feminist they were…..

It’s often these little things we let slide that eventually build up in to larger issues. Things can catapult.

So, I am still uncertain how to cope with my past enjoyment of music I now believe is corrupting our culture and I think this is exactly the problem. Gender inequality is so prevalent. It seems silly to throw out my old enjoyment of some songs, but there are still innocent young women being raped while her classmates videotape it, and we have to wonder where this ambivalence comes from.

Are we willing to admit that our parenting sucks? Or are we willing to finally clear our culture, specifically pop-culture, of these violent undertones against women?